08 August, 2016

The Down Hill Fall

Here I sit, upon my couch, in my office, surrounded by progress. The flashing lights of an internet connection lighting the corners of the room dimly, the sound of a television playing in the distance.

This isn't where I expected to be, for better or for worse. My life if weird, strange, confusing. Slowly unwinding is my sanity as I find solace in the loosening of material bonds with those around me.

I am finding a warm embrace from an entity that is ever changing. An amalgamation of my life experiences. I flock to these emotions of security, of avoidance, as I fear what the world may come to if I open myself to the realities that lay dormant beside me.

So, here I sit. Surrounded by darkness. Unsure as to what, or where, chages need to begin. Two years ago, I saw a vision of me I longed to be. Now what? The vision is gone, and here I sit paranoid, hoping my seemingly fractured world doesn't fall apart like a rotting tree in the wind.

Fear is what is controlling me as of late. This fear is destroying me. Eating me from the inside out, resulting in an implosion from the outside in, as I try and subconsciously push everyone I love away, to save them from myself when I finally break.

Some days, life is just too much for me to handle alone. I'm just so lucky I have a support system, because without them, without you, I am just not sure what I would be able, or willing, to do.

Let's see if we can control this fall, and ride these waves of fear to safety, leaving me more experienced than ever.

With love,
--RE