09 July, 2016

This Cold Life

Isn't it a shame how we always down less time doing what we want to do, and more time playing pickup, catchup, or trying to get to where we long to be?

It's official, I am journeying through an existential crisis, and I'm okay with it. Since May or so, my thoughts have been pretty negative, questioning my past, present, and future. Yet, why? What is the point of devoting so much energy to worrying about the pain I've experienced? Or exhausting myself over finding the perfect path into the sunset. Why? Why not just take that energy and focus it on making a true decision. A decision for good.

Well, I know for a fact my mental health has been questionable at best, leaving myself prone to negativity and suffering. Past that, I've done okay for the past few years in regards to prepping for a future I dream of. I have been learning, and changing, and growing. However at some point I lost the understanding that it is okay to play the day by ear, without punishing myself with shame and guilt for not having a dedicated course of action.

Ramble ramble ramble. I am tired. It is 00:38 and I am laying here on our couch, blankets and pillows equipped to create a makeshift bed. I'm not where I want to be, yet, but I know one day, the future is holding something grand for me. I just have to keep looking, keep sharing, and keep focusing on how I can make me a better version of me. Not just for myself, but for those around me as well.

Good night.

--RE