14 July, 2016

Mutual Trust

Trust. A decision to open yourself to the will of others. So wise are those who can manage trusting in those who are trustworthy, while seeing through the facades of those who are not.

I'm not a very trusting person by default. I've spent years trying to convince myself that it is okay to speak aloud in matters that deal with my emotions. This is because, to me, my emotions are the most sacred aspect of my human form. Letting others in to see me for who I am leaves me open to the sorts of manipulation that I might not be able to fend off. So thus, trust is shyd away from.

It wasn't always this way. Sometime before my teens, I was so open to the world that I new. I trusted authority figures, I felt comfortable talking, all be it loudly, about my problems and desires.

However, at some point, everything changed. I started seeing people as enemies, cloaked figures waiting for their chance to strike. People who created a world of pain in theur wake, for the sake of a sick joke. Slowly, I lost hope. Slowly, I became what I feared.

It wasn't until I broke free of my mental shackles sometime after turning 21 that I realised I had become someone I was not comfortable with. Words escaped me that I didn't know I could throw around so freely. Predispositions to situations were created in response to concepts that existed entirely in my head. I, for all intents and purposes, was racist.

Not out of some conscious effort of hating a group of people because of their nationality, but because I hated myself, my existence, my history. I hated so much of what I stood for, I found reasons to hate others as well. I created broad generalizations of groups to accommodate a need to redirect my self disgust.

Yet, what did it get me? Looking back, I realise that influences really played a role in how I dealt with my distaste for life. These influences set the stage for how I managed to maintain my existence, my survival of self, for hatred was all I knew.

These times, they saddened me. I know now, and even knew then, that broad generalizations were bullshit, however the gut response to jump to those conclusions persisted.

Yet now, here I am, improved on this front, with open arms to all of my co-inhibitors of earth, and beyond. I long to share my love and compassion with those whom I find agreements with, and even those in which I don't, or cant, see eye to eye.

But there lies a problem inside of me. I don't know how to deal with those unwilling to change, unwilling to share a mutual respect, unacceptably that the world isn't what their perceptions have created. These people I loathe. I push them away like they are infected with a virus that I may contract. Why? Because to me, i fear tha t by allowing myself to swing too closely to those perceptions and actions, I leave myself open for reverting back to what I used to be.

Still, sometimes it is easier, not to mention instinctive, to have words, feeling, and emotions bubble to the surface. However tough it may be though, I know that fighting these feelings, and allowing myself to be vulnerable to those who deserve my love, is more important than any other options available.

My dream is to surround myself with people I trust, and people who trust me. Yet, I know that for this cycle to start, I need to not only be honest with myself, but be honest with those around me as well.

... yet I've recanted the entire paragraph that this was supposed to be... maybe one day... maybe one day.

-RE