09 June, 2016

Thoughts of Goodbyes

It's been a while since I've felt this down. This numb. This... Longing. I wear such a strong mask that others see what I want them to see, and nothing else. Even those close to me miss how I feel on the inside. Why can't I just open up? Why can't they see this?

It's hard to admit that I'd rather die than live. It makes me feel weak, lost, and as if I'm grasping for attention. I've kept myself out of the hospitals out of sheer love and willpower, yet for what? A false sense of security? Only for my life to be flipped on it's head, and have everyone around me see me for what I let them see.

I know they think I'm playing a game. They think I want an easy life. A life of relaxing, giving myself into temptation. While they're not wrong, this isn't how I want life to go. I want to feel success, I want to feel safe, I want to feel love. Maybe I'm wrong for wanting to feel these feelings on my terms, out of fear of becoming another pawn, another plaything to someone else's game. Maybe it's greedy to want my life to be mine, to do with what I will, to have support for who I am, and what I crave to do.

I've lost hope. I've lost want. I've lost. I'm lost.

I'll be damned if it's blamed on my own lack of trying though.

The urge to vomit is real. My stomach, flipping ever faster. My body must think that this pain can be purged like a poison, like the toxins that it is. But it can't. All it would do is leave me with a can full of mess, and a mouth full of fire.

I feel so empty that it hurts. Like my torso has been replaced by a black hole, where the only thing left is the spaghettified remains of what used to be me.

I feel a chill brush gently over my shoulders, filling the room with crisp air. The skies darken, as if God himself were crying along with me. Yet, I know it's nothing more than coincidence. Nothing more than a long story that I wish could come to an abrup