25 June, 2016

Losing Focus

I'm losing focus on the fight. The willpower to succeed. It's been around a week now since I've put an entry into my food journal. I feel content with not knowing what I'm doing to myself, because I am tired of caring about myself. Tired of trying to care that is.

I know I sound like a broken record of depression and angst, but I don't know how else to articulate my feelings. I keep finding myself holding myself back out of the fear of failure, even though I know for a fact that by putting up those walls, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy of failure.

How do people do it? How do you push through when it feels like the world is pulling you back? How can I overcome what feels like a broken system controlling a broken mind in a broken society ruled by a broken and uncaring group of puppeteers. More medicine? For how long? Until my insurance runs out in May? Then what? If my appeal fails, I can't receive Medicare like I was planning, so then that leaves finding a job with benefits that doesn't leave me broken, or suffering through without insurance, or worse yet, getting price gouged by having a family plan through my wife's insurer. Fuck.

I just want to create. I don't know what, or how, but I know that is my dream. I just want to be me....

And then I remembered this video from Rob Dyke's vlog channel Internet Pariah... From Bad to Worse and Back Again - Ep. 41