30 October, 2013

A Nameless Post

It has been quite a while since my last post. I find myself drawn less to the virtual world, and more toward the physical world, writing in my journal, doodles, spiritual quests, and the like. It is a lot to try and comprehend, to live, to do. I always wondered if anyone else feels the same way as I do. Like you are a carton of eggs, past your date, slowly turning green from the inside out, until you are so sour, rotten, and skunked, that not even the hungriest of people would dare crack you open. It is a terrible thought, I know, but am I already green on the inside? I know I tend to be green with envy sometimes, but is that only one portion of who I am? I pray that envy is just a cancerous thought that I can kill before it spreads to the rest of my existence. Some days, I just want to celebrate the end, and count how long it takes for the curtain to drop…

Today, I am off to have a visit with my pill pushing friend who can only be arsed to take 15 minutes out of his day to load me up with prescriptions, before sending me out the door, cold, virtually alone. I mean, obviously I have my love at my side, however, it all just feels to fly by so fast.

I see the world in such a different light. I don’t see it as a simple area of lust, joy, love and loss. I see it, as if it were nothing but lines. Such small of lines that are so close together that they almost become one. Yet, I know they are not a singular unit. At any one point they can splinter off in distaste for the group next to it, and the illusion begins to fall. I wish that I could stop living in this grey area. To either pick one extreme, or the other. Yet, I am cursed to be too attached to the world around me to allow myself to disconnect. Why, I am not sure, for I believe this simple existence is nothing more than a figment of my imagination, that I sit here writing because that is where I choose to be. Yet, it is so simple to not choose. Once we begin to stop choosing, and let our life go forth on autopilot, we begin to be nothing more than any other sluggish human in the existence of this faulty computer simulation that we call life.

Is it coincidence that every time I come up with something smart, something I feel is new, that within days I see I have been surpassed by someone else? A logical person would say yes, and honestly, some days I believe it. However, it is so hard to accept the fact that I am not unique. I don’t want to accept it. I want to be a fucking snowflake blowing in the wind. Or better yet, the cloud that produces the snowflakes, admiring, in awe, as to what I have been able to create.

However, how does one create a snowflake in a world of endless heat? It destroys my hope to become where, or what, I want to be. So, I sit, and rattle on about speaking to/with my alternate self, and by all accounts, I believe it. Yet, upon interpretation, I find myself looking like nothing more than a mentally ill person trying to explore the world for as long as possible before someone decides to lock me up in a world of endless, heartless, bindings.

Am I okay? By what standards do you consider okay? I mean, I am alive, I have the ability to think. Is that honestly enough to explore the unknown depths and heights that I wish to achieve? I assume that only time will tell.

--Branden (10:59)