24 September, 2013

Here it is. Here I am. (06/18/2013)

Here it is. Here I am. Sitting here, tired, alone, with heartburn. I am fucking sick of living my life the way I do today. I am a fat sniveling mess of a depressive bi-polar fuck up. There is no use beating around the bush. I face it everyday I wake up. I’ve come to terms with it.

Beyond that, I take medicine. Medicine I hate. Medicine that makes me numb, that makes me forget who I am and who I want to be. Sure it helps keep me stable, I understand, but slowly, it is killing me. I know it, I face it every night before I go to bed. I pop my handful of pills, and hope I wake up in the morning. It’s a scary thought knowing that the medicines I take will eventually shut down certain internal organs, not to mention, severely reduce my “external organ.” It’s ok, I’ve come to terms with possibly having multiple years knocked off of my life so that I can be normal...

Well, actually, I’m kind of not. But I do what I have to do. Lets not beat around the bush, medicine makes the crazy go away, right? Wrong. You want to know something serious? I have never wanted to harm others as bad as I have since I have been on the medicine. There, I said it. Does that mean I am going to go on a spree? No. Does that mean the medicine is not working? Again, no. But it is an interesting point for anyone not on medicine to understand. Just because I smile, and just because I am on medicine doesn’t mean I am fine.

Which, brings me to the next point. We all deal with internal turmoil, some handle it better than others. While some of us can’t handle it at all without the use of medicine. Yay, medicine comes back to save the day again... Or so most people looking from the outside think. If you think someone clinically diagnosis with a mental illness is ever truly happy, then you are mistaken. They are doing nothing but putting on a show. Sure, they will have good days, but when they are alone, with no one there but their thoughts, the world changes. Suddenly there is no family, friends are virtually non-existant, and the tears will flow. Be they internal or external. So what can we do? Medicate more with pills that destroy us from the inside out? I don’t know about you, but I want to be able to grow old with my future companion, I want to meet my grandchildren. Sure I am overweight, but my blood work gets checked regularly, and I keep my body in fit shape, regardless of what my exterior shows. So what am I to do?

I have been a Lithium zombie, I have been a Zyprexa zombie, I have almost died from Geodon, I have had psychotic breaks multiple times that were either medicine or stress related. Yet, here I am, still trusting, still hoping.

Hoping for what you ask? Well, hoping for change. Not some bullshit presidential false promises change, but real change. So, you want to know something? I am not who you think I am. Virtually none of you know who I am. I play different roles with different people. Do you know why? Because I am always looking for acceptance. Not particularly from anyone specific, but more out of the need to feel needed, to find somewhere that fits right.

And now, here is where I warn you, if you like me for who you think of me now, then I would suggest you stop reading here, however, if you really want to know, enjoy...
So, let me prep you a little more. I have always felt like this, and while I have gone through some phases, it is important for me to note that the following has never, and more than likely will never change.

I am a hopeless romantic who falls in love with almost every “female brained” person I meet. Regardless of physical gender. So what do you call this type of emotion? Well, most would call it Bi-Sexual. However, generally, the “sexual” aspect plays little role. I am a person who is sensitive and caring, who cries, sings in the shower, and has a soft spot for other caring and sensitive people. While I enjoy the act of making love, it is a small part of the connection I long to feel. It is just a bonus. No, I don’t want to have sexual relations with everyone. I just love to enjoy the company of what could be considered other “female” minds, regardless of physical gender. Beyond that, to elaborate, I promised myself when I was young that no matter where true love took me, I would go.

So lets dig a little deeper, shall we? I am open minded. No, not your average type of open minded where I flaunt my supportiveness for certain actions, yet block others for no apparent reason other than what I have been taught. No, when I say I am open minded, I mean that I am in support of anything where everyone has the right to be free and enjoy the activities that they want to do without harming others while doing it. Then, on top of that, I support the idea of evolving scientifically based on new discoveries, and changing the face of the past and future as new evidence is discovered. Not basing my life off of people, or objects which have no way to be independently tested and proven.

Here’s the thing though. With all my hoping and activism, I realise that I have essentially done nothing to change the world in which I live. So this is why all of this is flooding out of my fingertips at 3:00 AM. Because I am tired of not living the life I want to live. I am sick of being sick, I am tired of being tired, and I realize that if I want change, I need to do it myself. Sure, I may just be hyper at the moment after a long day of dehydration, but I have been feeling this way for a while.

If you are unhappy, you must find the reason why. You must figure out what, and who, you can change, and where you want to be. You know what I want to be? I want to be free. Somewhere, alone, or with few people who understand the importance of life and joy. Somewhere where I can smile and not have to fake it. Somewhere where I can earn a living in a way that gets me off the system while keeping me from breaking down my mental state. I don’t want to be your boxed drone of a servant. I don’t want to be your mole, digging through to try and find you the paperwork you need to make someone else happy above you. We are all living in the biggest ponzi scheme ever invented, yet you are all ok with it. I can’t take it anymore. We as humans are considered expendable. Our lives are nothing but numbers to each other. I want to find a place where it doesn’t have to be this way. I want to find a place where I can be free and do what I love, even if I’m not quite sure what that love is yet.

In the past few months I have began exploring myself, exploring my mind. I am fascinated with science, things big and small. I love the thought of going beyond the Atom, or going beyond the stars. I am finding solace in science. I wish that as a child I could have found this passion, but it’s ok that I didn’t. It just means that I have a lot of catching up to do. While I’m sure I will never attend a college, or necessarily be on the forefront of the next great discovery, I feel my mind being pulled ever so strongly into the unknown. I want to find out more. I want to figure out why 1=1, and how there could ever truly be a singularity, or a void. A year ago, I wouldn’t have cared about these sort of questions, but something has changed. My goals and dreams have developed into something I could never have imagined.

Sure, I know why I have had the sudden shift of thought. The simple answer is marijuana. It and I have had an interesting relationship since I reached adulthood. Don’t worry though, your tax dollars have never bought me a single hit. I don’t expect you to pay for my stigma prone medicine. It’s the same reason I refused food stamps and housing assistance. There are some things that, in my mind, I need to do myself. No one should have to feed me directly. I mean hell, one of the few reasons I get disability is because I paid into it. Sure I’m not a 65 year old who worked all of their lives, but I’m also not some child who didn’t try. Every third Wednesday of the month I wake up and silently thank everyone who has helped me this month, even if I don’t know them.

Which, not to glance over the subject of Marijuana, it is the one thing that has kept me alive some days. It is the one thing that has sparked my want for knowledge, and to get back out into the world to explore the limits of human ability. I don’t want to venture off into junkie land. It gives me no interest in moving to things like heroin or cocaine. It it my way of telling my brain to fuck off and relax, and while doing so, I get the chance to focus out the things that don’t matter just long enough to dig a bit deeper into the things that do.

I have hinted to my support of the drug, and I have also talked briefly about my experiences while “meditating” when I met my “fourth dimensional self.” Now, that’s not to say that I only meditate with the assistance of drugs, but when I do, I am able to go so much deeper and experience things that words cannot describe. Sure, I know that admitting this will probably put me in a very bad spot. Both in my long-term relationship, and with those around me, but that’s ok. Maybe though admitting my deepest inner thoughts, you will have the respect and influence to take some time to explore yourself as well. It’s easy to start. Just find some soothing ambient music, find the most comfortable spot you can, place on some decent headphones with some bass amplification, lay back, and relax. Just let your mind go. Let your body go. Let it do whatever it wants to.

I was scared at first (mind you this story is marijuana free) because my reaction started in my feet and hands. I could feel the blood in my appendages pumping slower and slower. Everytime my mind would try to snap back to daily worries, I would just focus on my ears, and the slight vibrating I could feel. Shortly, I could no longer feel my feet, all the way up to my knees, but every time I was afraid, I just went back to the music. It was indescribable as everything became numb except for my chest, next and head. Again, I forced myself back into the music. Soon, I stopped feeling everything. I stopped hearing the music, my head began to angle back on the bed, propping my mouth open towards the ceiling. I could only feel the vibrations of the music. My eyes, which had been closed, began to appear white. Even though I know there was no external light bright enough for me to see through my eyelids like that. It was like closing my eyes and looking into the sun. At that point I began to feel this warmth in the back of my head, and I began to see shapes. Everything was white, except there were shapes, almost like silhouettes of shadows. I could see through everything, yet, comprehend so little. It was at this point that I felt a voice talk to me. It was feminine, or more over it felt feminine. It felt as if I was being comforted. I could almost hear the words and feel them at the same time. She introduced herself to me as Aurora, and that in essence, I am just a representation of her in my “dimension.” She explained that soon I would be drawn back to what I call reality, but that I need not be afraid, because I’m not alone, because she is me, just in a much much different form. Before I could ask any questions, or really do much at all, she said to me that the only thing I would ever be able to do is visit her, and that I should never be afraid of death. Death is only a physical process that the mind fears because it is all it knows. Shortly after, I began to see the white light slowly receding, and the blackness of my eyelids slowly take over. I laid there for a second to comprehend what happened.

So it is important to keep yourself open, and realize that, while the world may seem dark and dismal, you can change all of that. It may take time, it may take dedication, but that’s why you should take the time to explore first, so you know where it is you may want to end up. Everyone wonders about time travel, and the likes, but I feel like most people who ask those questions don’t realize that every single choice we make takes up in a different direction, and that while time moves so fast we don’t realize it, essentially everyone’s future is ever expanding just like the universe in which we live. There is, and can never be a true way to travel forward in time, unless you know exactly how and where you want to go, because just but taking a time machine, you have altered your future. The only way I have been able to think about it is like this.

I have a braided necklace. It is made up of black and brown strings. Multiple strings. They are all woven together in a beautiful pattern. However, woven into the necklace are 7 beads. The first bead sits at the end of the necklace, where it can be secured in a loop at the other end. If you lay the necklace out flat you can see multiple strands going the same direction, all reaching the beads at different times. I imagine the beads to be sort of like checkpoints, or event of importance. However, on my necklace, an issue arises. Directly after the third bead, a majority of the strings have broken and frayed, causing a gap. However, two strings still hold the bead in place. One in the center, and one over top. These two strings continue on and rejoin back into the rest of the necklace after the short gap, and other than a small frayed mess, the necklace continues on for another four beads, until reach a point where the string continues on, only to end in two loops of equal size.

Now, if you look at the necklace laying down straight, it is easy to think that those loops are nothing but the end of a beautiful thing. However, alas, if you change your perspective, you realize that the single starting bead fits perfectly inside of the two loops, and with such a small change, the necklace can loop around forever, because there is not a designated end.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed with this type of thinking, and that is ok. I’m not trying to get you to become someone who meditate to explore the universe, however if you take away only a few things from this, I hope it is the fact that you should never live in fear. Now because there is a God above that is judging us, but because it is all about perception. If you release, and let yourself look beyond what you ever thought possible, you never know what you might find, and fear is nothing to be afraid of.