24 August, 2013

03/12/2013

Some days, I don’t know how to express myself. I feel this emptiness in my heart, and I can’t figure out how to move past it. It is like an ache that doesn’t go away. I am told that it is my illness, that it is my depression. What if it was more than that? What if my depression was my body’s way of telling me to move on and find a new path to follow? It is an interesting thought to ponder, but it brings up various aspects of problems, such as what do I do to actually find the path my subconscious wants to follow.

I find it remarkably tough to try and sort out the musings of a part of me that I just don’t understand. Despite all of the progress I have made, I feel like there will never be a proper finish until they place the final nail in my coffin.

It is scary, here I sit, naked from the waist up, writing out feelings I don’t understand, yet everyone I know is moving on at speeds I can not begin to fathom. How do they know what they want to do with their lives? I have had so many wonderful plans, hopes, and dreams, yet I am still nowhere closer to finding happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if people honestly understand their path, or if they just follow it because they don’t know what else to do with their life. I know that in the future I will probably regret not finding my meaning and following it down the rabbit hole sooner, but when do we know what path is the right one for us?

One day I would love to sit up on the edge of my bed, stretch my arms high in the sky, and say to myself, “Self, you are one day closer to becoming the man you want to be.” Yet, I don’t see how that will happen anytime soon. I don’t want to be the guy who stays in the system for the remainder of his days. I want to stand up and leave my mark on the world. I want to be remembered, not as the guy who sat idle and waited for something to happen, only to die before he ever found happiness. No. I want to be remember as the man who was able to cut through his past, cut through his problems, only to find that he could stand atop the hill with the best of them. It’s just a matter of getting there I suppose.